NO MORE EXCUSES. 

This post has one purpose and one purpose only: to remind myself of my dream. This post is to be read every day and is the beginning of my quest through my life or as I like to call it the, “REALM of RIZEN.” It is the beginning of letting go of my ego and balancing it with my soul. The start of me taking control of my life. To have a vision and make it a reality. To stop dreaming of helping my family and inspiring people and start executing. To make a difference. So I will concise this and generate my motivation. It will consist of one basic question: why? 
I repeat, why? What is this all for? Why am I working so hard to create this vision? Why am I alive? Why do I exist? Do I serve a purpose? All questions that I have spent years answering until I realized that I may never have a concrete answer but perhaps one that suits me at this moment. So this is my subjective philosophy that I have created.
I am here to serve a higher purpose I call my “DIVINE DESTINY.” It does not have affiliation towards any religion but more so it represents the ideology that my existence is to impact others. To serve the divine is to understand that there are forces far greater than you and I that we simply don’t understand. My quest through this life has allowed me to understand that I truly believe that we are in an illusion and that ultimately reality is nothing like this one. In this “DIVINE DESTINY” I will find inner peace within myself and reach SAGE MODE, which simply is gaining the knowledge I search for. It is to give my family a better life; my mom, dad, sister, uncle, grandma, grandpa, girlfriend, and dogs all will be blessed with the opportunity I can offer them, to be happy. I will put an end to poverty, war, and ignorance by promoting the Venus project and making it a reality. I am here to promote LUV. To spread peace and positivity and impact the lives of individuals in a positive way. This is way beyond me now, this is for m family and the human race.
Remember young RIZEN, you are here for a reason. Even if that reason is irrelevant in the entirety of the universe it is a reason that is important for you. Your voice matters. So read this and remember why you are doing this. For the people who reach out to you with gratefulness of your message . For all those people who tell me I am helping them. To all those who need me like I need them. To my family who is struggling with finding themselves, to give them what they need. To be here for them in more ways than one. To prove to myself that I can achieve and never give up on my dreams. 

 

As you grow your philosophy and motivation will only enhance and grow stronger. When you read this get back to the hustle. When others read this it will be the start of many more to come. They will see your progress and understand why you are so persistent. 
Read this and remember your purpose, remember your why. Because when the time comes and death visits your door upon your quest to the afterlife, you will be able to go in peace for you lived the best life that you could have ever lived. Stay RIZEN. 

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How to live in the NOW

Stop. Breathe. Relax. The three words I use to ground myself back into the present moment. I find at times (currently) that life can seem overwhelming and it creates this type of anxiety that pushes me into this void of thoughts. When you are constantly trying to be productive I find that you are actually being unproductive. “What can I do next?” “What can I do right now?”, “How can I be productive?” Although this can be beneficial at first, when you make it a habit of always searching for the next thing, you tend to slip away from the present. 

This has been a challenge I have been facing for quite some time now as I continue of my path towards spiritual metamorphosis. I find that I yearn so much to become an independent individual that reaches enlightenment that I tend to focus all my energy on my next move. This habit I have makes me lose track of my current groove and lose some appreciation for life. When I start to feel unproductive, I fall into my thoughts of what I can do next. When things don’t work out the way I plan them to, I adapt to see what else I can do. Seems like a good philosophy, right? Striving to always stay focused and driven may seem tempting, but what this doesn’t teach you is how to enjoy the journey and not just the destination. 

I have found a solution towards this challenge and this is to all those who face this dilemma as well. It is possible to always be productive, this is true, but it will require a change of perspective. It will require you to see things in a different light and react in a way that is beneficial to you and those around you. For example, I currently was feeling a bit stressed out because I felt as if I was not being as productive as I could be. I was telling myself that I have to do something, I have to think of something to be productive or else I’m wasting my time! This was a fallacy for when I shifted my perspective I realized that being here in the moment and just enjoying the time with those around me is just as productive and beneficial. I realized that here in the city we tend to live life with speed and expectancy. We are always trying to fill up our time with things like being on social media, checking emails, or looking up the latest gossip. To be in the moment means to appreciate those around you. It means to appreciate the environment you are in and the actions you are doing. To be in be moment means to understand that nothing is guaranteed and all is temporary.  To be fully present, aware, and at peace with it all.

This will allow you to cherish every moment, whether it is just enjoying a soda pop with some friends or working on a website for your company, borh are equally as important. Memories are what you carry with you, experiences are what influence you, and moments are what you remember. So my philosphy is to be in the moment. To make every experience worthwhile by shifting your perspective in a way that makes it so. To enjoy life as it comes and stop trying to control things, instead just enjoy the flux of the universe. This is what I noticed today about me, it is what I had to remind myself of. To live in the now. 

Being spontaneous can change your life.

Spontaneous moments lead to memorable memories. A saying that has held its truth with me over time. Today as I decided to spontaneously accept a friends offer to join him on a journey towards a hike, I experienced moments that have allowed me to go into what I like to call, “Philo thought,” or basically philosophical thought. This mind state of thought process is one that I find myself radically thinking about ideals and different aspects of life. It allows me to gain perspective and find wisdom within myself through self reflecting on experiences. As the day comes to an end and I continue my studying for a philosophy test tomorrow, I conclude my findings for today’s experience. I ask the question, what is your story? 

The second you try and control things is the moment you lose it. I allowed the flow of the water to guide the stream of my experiences throughout the day. A gem was hidden under my nose as I was taken to the mountains of my own home, I found a place of true peace. It was a place where I could appreciate the mountains, enjoy the suns rays, and daze into the beautiful view of nature. It was my first experience climbing rocks with the thought of falling to a possible death clinging on to me. Surprisingly I was very calm for my first time facing death in some minuscule way. I trusted myself to hold onto the rocks and reach the summit, it was a true rush of endorphins as I sat on top of each climb and enjoyed the beautiful scenery. Being able to experience nature in a way I never had before was truly eye opening, the silence and the satisfying feeling of being away from my own world of expectations was a true gift. Yet this was not the highlight, it was the wisdom I was able to gain. 

As I met new friends and introduced myself, I engulfed in their thoughts and experienced a small side of their character. All I had on me was my phone and my clothes for the day, as time passed on it made me realize the uneccesary need for many of the things I have. I realize how having a few valuable items is actually having a lot. More is less. I had great discussion with a friend who showed me his knowledge and mentality developing over the years. He shares thoughts about death, our system of life, revolutions, war, corruption, politics, and books. I was able to come to a grand realization, one in which I had found but never understood until this moment. The idea of my ego and who I believe to be. I have developed this concept of Tristan Esquivez in which has manifested into the belief of who I am today. This is a logical fallacy for I am not my ego, that is simply a symbol to represent a bigger picture. I am the universe experiencing itself just as you are too, upon death I shall see through the eyes of all as I close the perspective of my egoistic self. For at least this is what I believe and as I come to this realization I see how interesting my life has come to be. 

Every experience is temporary and every moment passes me by no more than once. If I am to live this experience through the eyes of Tristan Esquivez it is highly essential for me to not only balance my ego with myself but to make this experience of life worth wild. I look at each day as an individual experience adding to the universe, a small aspect of a bigger picture. I make it a point to live everyday as it is my last and make every moment I have to be memorable, enjoyable, and interesting. It has created a more suitable lifestyle for myself as I live with no regrets and appreciate each day as it passes me by. I am able to more easily become a wave in an ocean of water we call life, to let myself ride with the currents and flow into the shores of reality. This is an essential realization for it has opened up my eyes to the irrelevance of insignificant benefactors of life that holds us back from our full potential. These factors are what we have labeled to be: fear, stress, anxiety, depression, and anger that have disabled us to live fulfilling and memorable lives. They are emotions I have felt and dealt with and understand their power over the body. I have now come to understand that they can be overcome with the right amount of wisdom and strength. To live a life filled with peace you must first master letting go of suffering. 

When I arrived back from this trip I realized what must be done. My philosophy revolves around a balance of the mind, body, and soul. Given the western culture and to be able to support and reach out to a higher audience I included a financial aspect to this ideology as well. I have labeled this philosophy, Quattour Statera, which is Latin for balance of four. It described a mutual balance between your emotional, mental, and physical self with the addition to your financial goals. I claim that with mastering the balance of these four aspects of yourself, you have officially enlightened and risen yourself towards inner peace. It is only when this balance is met that the true empowered and higher conciouss self has been reached and you are in the state of RIZEN. A concept I created to describe the balance of the higher conciouss and balanced ego. This is my destiny to reach this state, to teach it upon others, and start a revolution towards peace. 

This was my lesson for the day that I have experienced. It is my days knowledge and current wisdom. If today was my last day I can truthfully, honestly, and soulfully say it was a good day. I am one more step closer to becoming a sage. 

FACING DEATH


While walking to the library and swimming through my sea of thoughts I came across an interesting idea. As I have found you cannot prevent the inevitable, but you can prepare for it. What do I mean by this? It’s actually quite a simple concept, for example say you are currently attending school and you had a test today. There was no way to prevent yourself from taking that test unless you want to endure the punishment of a poor grade, so you made a choice to attend and take the test. Now you can’t prevent yourself from taking the test (surely you can conjugate a master plan to sabatoge the teacher) but let’s for simplicity sakes say that this was a final and if you did not attend you were going to fail the class. In this example you cannot prevent the inevitable that you are going to sit down and take that test, but what you can do is prepare for it. You understand that you will be taking this test and with the power of choice you are left with two options: study and prepare for the test or just wing it and deal with it when it comes. This is the power of choice and the power you have to prepare for the inevitable.

Now me being a young philosopher my mind tends to think deeper into ideas like these, so let’s get to it. Taking a test can seem like a big deal if you are a full time student striving for success but let’s use an example that all of us can relate to at some point in our lives; death. I ponder on this idea of death almost every day asking myself questions like: am I ready to die? What will it be like? What even is death? And I hope I don’t die in a ridiculous way. Although the last one is not really question I’m sure it’s something we all can agree on (unless your purpose is to make it on 1000 ways to die). We cannot prevent death from occurring, it is an inevitable ordeal. We all experienced birth and we all will experience death. This is a fact for all mortal humans, now relating this to the power of choice we are left with two options: we can prepare for death or we can deal with it when it comes.

 Personally as I ponder on this idea I ask myself how can I prepare for death? Is such an action even possible? It’s not like I want to plan out my funeral and pick out my coffin and start a RSVP list to see who will attend, now I like to do some pretty radical things but I’m not too favorable on those actions. More importantly I asked myself, “well I can prepare for death by simply accepting it.” And what this means is I used to be very frightened by the concept of death, I believed it was because I feared the unknown. I have come to realize that this was actually false, that it was not so much a fear of the unknown but more so I feared not being able to experience all I wanted to. I feared not being able live life to the fullest, not fulfilling all my dreams and being forgotten like most people are. This was what I truly feared, having a life not fully lived. I wanted to face fear and this was one of my biggest challenges. 

I made a choice like we all do everyday, I decided I don’t want to run away from fear, I want to run towards it. Rather than ignoring the concept of death and just saying, “I’ll deal with it when it comes.” I want to prepare for it. How? I choose to live everyday as if it were my last, I look at each day being twenty-four hours long and I decide how can I make the most out of this time? I know that my parents will pass away at some point and in order for me to prepare for this pain I choose to tell them how I feel every day, to let them know I love them and give them a meaningful hug. I do the same with my sister, my girlfriend and my friends. For my grandparents who live across the country I make sure to give them a call every day to see how they are doing and let them know they are loved.  This has been so impactful for me that it has truly changed my life and my relationships with people. Every day I do what brings me meaning, I read books I enjoy and gain wisdom, I create music for myself and the people of the world, I blog my feelings and thoughts, and I live. Every night before I get ready for my slumber I write down in my journal a summary of my entire day and at the very end I write, “If today was my last day alive, can I honestly, truthfully, and soulfully say it was a good day?” My goal in life is not to be able to just say, “yes it was” but I want to be able to say, “fuck yeah it was!” To be able to truly say that every day was a great experience and if I had to live this day for the rest of my life, I would be beyond thankful. 

I apply this to my own outlook on death, I am not afraid to die. Why? Because I live every day like it is my last, I do what I say I am going to do, I tell people how I feel, and I leave no words unspoken. I tell myself every day that I shan’t run from the fear I had with death, better yet I will run towards it. My only request is to be able to die a noble death, like a shogun samurai I want my death to be meaningful. How can I make this possible? By making my life meaningful, just as past heroes who stand up for a cause, those who dedicate their lives for the betterment of others, and those who strive to create peace, their death is meaningful because of what they left behind. This is my true goal and this is how I face my fear with death. To have no regrets and create the life that I want. To not only have happiness and peace but to have purpose and meaning every day. 

The power of choice is truly an empowering concept. If you take the time to reflect and understand the concept of death and how you can face it, I guarantee your outlook and perspective on life will change. These words and thoughts I have shared with you are from the mind of a millennial, the thoughts of a nineteen year old striving to promote love, acceptance, and vision to the world. My goal is to change the image that is stereotypically labeled upon us(millenials) and it is to show you (people of the world) that if I can achieve these thoughts and realizations that ultimately lead me to inner peace and a fulfilling life, then fuck it so can you. It is your choose how you want to live life. It is your choice how you want to look at things, how you want to feel every day, what you want your life to be like. This power is within you. Use it wisely. Stay RIZEN. 

Yours truly,

YOUNG RIZEN 

Leader of the MILLENIALMINDMOVEMENT 

WHY IS THERE EVIL?

A question that has pondered my mind throughout the years. Growing up through the Catholic faith I used to value an Omni-God; a God that is all knowing, all powerful, and all good. As I grew wiser with experience I saw that the amount of evil in the world was so overwhelming and that if there was a God why would he allow there to be so much evil in this world? From slow painful deaths, to genocyde, to massive destruction from earthquakes; are these evils necessary? 

The most common theist response would be yes, for there must be evil for us to understand good. This is true. We cannot know what being good and loving is without understanding what evil and pain is like. I choose to correlate it to the ying-yang theory of balance, that there has to be an equal amount of good to balance out the equal amount of evil. Yet I still had to ask the question does there have to be soo much evil in this present world? It seems to me as I turn on the news, read articles, and meet more people that this world that I live in has an unbalance of evil. With a majority of our population being strictly religious amongst the Christian and Muslim faith I tend to fear that perhaps this faith that we hold through religion has blinded us from seeing the harm we are created towards one another. 
Now I don’t want to come off as an aethiest preaching that we should have no religion and that God is not real. More so I have come to understand that my beliefs revolve around religious pluralism, which basically means I believe that life is so subjective that each individual has their own path that they create to work for them. With this being said if you choose to believe in God and join the Christain or Muslim community then by all means dedicate, explore, and practice it all you want. I am not here in this planet to judge, cause pain, or even criticize my fellow humans, I believe I am here to spread love, wisdom, and peace. With this ideology I like to share that your path is whatever you choose it to be as long as it works for you. It seems to appear that this is not the case for many, as I have met many dedicated religious people I have found that they have let themselves be narrow minded and ignorant in their faith that they have decided to push and criticize all those whom don’t believe in their ideals. This is common amongst my people and it has been the main cause of wars, chaos, and an unbalance of evil. We seem to be taught to not appreciate diversity and instead practice exclusivism. This is what I mean when I say that religion has become the source of evil upon our people.

I truly believe that the idea of religion is beautiful, people are just stupid. That the concept of religion is meant to give you hope and faith, give you strength and guide you through your way of life. The problem is people take this idea and want to enforce it upon people without being open minded and understanding that life is subjective, not objective. There are people that condemn others for not believing in the same thing and people that take it to the extent to even murder others. It is very sad to see how we humans have corrupted this idea of religion and instead of striving for love, acceptance, and peace (that we all internally yearn for) we instead ridicule, hate, and fight one another out of ignorance. 
I sit here today writing this with a promise to myself. That even though most of the world believe that evil is necessary (which it is) I will argue that there does not have to be this much evil. That we humans always have a choice to decide how we want to live and govern ourselves. I promise to dedicate my love towards believing that we can achieve this peace and unite as one. I stand for this idea of peace and love, I believe with all my heart and soul that we can make this world much more balanced. I am here to show you that we can obtain inner peace and if I can do it, so can you.

 

The power within 

Time keeps passing me by like my life as the minutes die. I keep feeding myself a vision of a future where I control my reality yet I am still a prisoner in this matrix of entrapment we call socio economics. I find myself constantly motivating myself to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I yearn for it. I yearn to feel the rays of light bless my skin. I yearn for the power to control my reality. I yearn to be free. 

I have come to understand that my life is under my control. That every action I take is under my control and with every cause there is an effect. I slowly, but surely, finding myself and understanding what I am and who I am. I am pressured with this concept of time and I am determined to give my family the life that they deserve. I am persistent on keeping my dream alive. A dream where I am in a position to give back, to have the power to say I can help you. I can help us. 

As I understand what reality is and ponder the big questions of life such as what is it’s meaning and what is the truth, I stumble upon emotions. These feelings that we are manifested with when we are faced with decisions, circumstances, and outcomes, are what drive us to make decisions. My feelings are revolved around love, a love for unity. When united we are stronger, we can achieve more, and we can dream bigger. When we are alone we are left with our own minds to develop and create, we are left with a struggle of truth and achieving greatness. There is a reason why only a selective few of our species are able to find success, those people have understood their purpose and have seen the power of unity. I have yearned for unity and acceptance all my life, constantly trying to work hard to bring my family back together and learn how to accept myself. 

There past few months I have been dealing with anxiety and frustration. I have been faced with writers block and a lack of confidence and motivation to strive forward. I have been on the quest for identity and despised what I saw in the mirror. I saw a boy with big dreams but no actions, a boy who made promises to himself but could not keep them. I saw my lack of creation and I started to believe I would never be able to achieve my dreams, I started to feel as if I should settle for less and appreciate what I have. I started to give up on myself and my dreams. As I have grown and matured through readings, research, and self assessment I have found that all of that is a bunch of bull crap. This whole idea of doubt, anxiety, and lack of confidence is all physiological. It was all in my head and the type of thoughts I was feedin myself. I found that the law of attraction is the key to my success, that by believing in the future that I want the universe will guide me towards it. 

I have now seen and understood the importance of my mission. I made a promise to bring my family back together but better yet I am going t save them. From what you may ask? From this matrix of death and deception. Most people chase currency because we live in a world that revolves around it, yet they dismay the importance of health and happiness. I am here to change that, to give them the information and resources they need to empower themselves and seek true inner peace and happiness. To live the life that they always dreamed of. Once I accomplish that I won’t stop there, I’ll spread my message and philosophy to the world and help those who seek it. We can change the world unless we change ourselves, this is my first step. Believe kid. 

TELL ME the story

This story begins with two young individuals who crossed paths and changed each other’s lives, a tale that is similar in content but radically different in context. One filled with beauty, love, anguish, and pain. I speak of a love story, a story that has not concluded but is in the midst of a revolt. In this current time and space in which I am writing this, you would find me in a place of sole despair and bliss, an interesting paradox. For I feel the despair of separation, the numb feeling that distance creates. Yet I am filled with this type of glow, a type of hope derived from the beauty of a potential vision. A vision I see from the light projected through my eyes and it shows a future of acceptance, respect, and love. A future that we can have. The burning desire to see you blossom, to the exotic beautiful spirit that I know you can become, it’s what fuels the fire in my heart as it melts with passion. My only ambiguity is in whether that time will be with me or not, for my blossoming has started prematurely and in order for there to be a benevolent couple two spirits must blossom together. They must grow together, experience the process as one, enjoy the rays of the sun and feel the love that they are able to develop together. My dilemma is not within your potential but within your process, the rate in which we grow together. I know I have spoken about ways of feeling your energies, the invisible aura of your emotions and the vibrancy of your body’s language, this has shown me your soul’s beauty and allowed me to see it through your eyes. I speak words that truly express my true inner love and intentions that I have come to understand and set forth for us. I have expressed my practices of letting go of pride and insidious emotions in order to understand and comprehend one another. I have done all this for you, to build us and extract all the juice in our relationship and leave behind all the excess and unwanted residue. Is it to much to ask of you to do the same? Is it a silly dream that I have, to prosper and build an empire together? Perhaps I am diluted by this vision of who you can become I forget who you really are, a growing individual. I know you are trying and I won’t dismay that fact, but can you start to see the potential amount of passion you are able to give me, is it to much to ask of you to dig deep into the abyss of your soul and bring out the real you.

At times to better understand an individual and what they’re going through, you must put yourself in their shoes and see into their perspective. This will not only give you insight into the thoughts of that person but can also make you understand their feelings. Now is the time see things through my eyes.

The rose is a love’s flower, for in the distance you can appreciate it’s beauty but when you grab it you are left with the blood from the thorns. Love works similarly in this way, for people admire our commitment and dedication towards each other, but only we understand the pain of the thorns as we hold onto it.  Those nights of spitting rage and anger out of our mouths, hitting each other with malicious thoughts and regrets; whoever said words didn’t hurt. The regretful memories of all those times we would break up with each other and put each other through pain and bitterness to all the times I lied to you, hid things from you, and caused you pain. The times I ignored you and treated you poorly to all the times you did the same to me. I apologize for my foolish actions and decisions, I never meant to taint your soul. I never told you this but sometimes I would stay up all night with the guilt of causing you pain and making your tears run like a loose faucet because of my words or actions, my was love poisoned with self-righteousness. I know even now It may seem like our love is polluted, many may say it is, but I never give up hope. For a true relationship has a balance of both love and hate, it is able to turn that hate into passion and evolve the love into commitment.

Remember the first time we kissed? Every time we pass by the place we always recollect that memory. How fascinating isn’t it? To just think about how far we’ve come, from arguing about a thrown pen to enjoying the beauty in the stars. As I sit here I am just in deep thought into the moments we have shared, I am in love with the beauty we have created. Do you remember all those tickle fights? I can’t even begin to count them, and all those movie nights? Well I don’t really recall the movies, but I’ll never forget the nights. I even remember when I made you laugh so hard you spilled milk out of your nose, that was the night we officially found my funny shirt. Can you just appreciate all the moments we shared a breath, all the times we explored and enjoyed life together, and the moments that our spirits collided as one. I loved all those nights we would just look at each other and smile, all those soft kisses we would share, and the sound of our heartbeats beating together to fill the room. I can’t ever deny my feelings for you, even after all those dark nights we always had a brighter day to make it better.

As we have now seen the beauty and the beast of our relationship, can I ask you a question? Do you believe in love? A question that may hold a simple response but let me refrain, my answer to this may be different than yours. Yes, I believe in love. I always have since I was young, I would enjoy watching romantic “chick flicks” just to watch the boy get the girl. I suppose I just enjoyed seeing two people share a common connection, relate to one another, and fall in love. I suppose it was also the fact that I grew up in a household of three women so I did not really have a say in the choice of my television views. Yet I always found it so beautiful the emotions and feelings we can develop with each other, how compassion can make your serotonin an addiction.

When we first started to coexist the words, “I love you” tended to slip my tongue more often than not. For as a young boy seeking acceptance I fell in love with your beauty and physique not really knowing what love really was. We were both young and filled with indescribable emotions and the effects of adolescence. It seems as if at the time you were a young woman that I wanted to be with and love the only way a boy knows how to; gifts. I am sure you can recall all the flowers, food, and letters I gave you, I even went to the extreme of getting you a $600 promise ring. I kept us alive during our first year yet I was still ignorant to the true definition of love, I was living under the impression of it.

A wise fool some may call me, as the second year progressed I wanted to detach myself, I wanted to leave and I stayed to avoid causing you pain. I know, what a horrible reason to be with someone but again I was falsified by my meaning of love and deceived by my perception of what I thought was best. Can you recall all the moments we would argue and I would immediately want to break up and leave? But you were stubborn and under your impression of love, you wouldn’t let me leave and you were crazy enough to chase after me. We were both so young, I yearned for the satisfaction of watching you come after me and you continued to do so. At times you would even make empty promises to me to keep the relationship alive, you would commit to change and ensure things would be different. Sometimes they were, other times nothing changed. As time progressed and our relationship did not I fell under the false fallacy that this was never going to work and in the writing of my story this was just another chapter. What a child’s mentality isn’t it? Ignoring the beauty in the struggle and only admiring the convenient truth. As I look back I admire your dedication, for loving me even when It was not mutual, for chasing after me when you should have let me go, and for keeping the promises that allowed us to grow. You saved us, you worked for us, you never gave up. I thank you for that.

The third year came and we started to grow together much more, I started letting go of my emotional chains to truly love myself, for in order to love someone else this is essential. During this year a lot changed, I started to see things for how they were not how they seemed. I saw the struggle in your commitment to keep us alive, the hustle to improve and adapt, and the passion to make it work. I saw how much I meant to you and realized how much you meant to me. I saw the evil in losing hope, and the wicked feeling of ignorant bliss. I started to change myself, control my emotions, understand them, and accept them. I saw the opportunity to enhance my knowledge and became more aware of my actions and thoughts. You started to become more open minded and accept new ideas, you communicated with me more efficiently and understood the balance that was needed. We had more good days than bad and we allowed each other to grow together. We went through one of the biggest fights of all time and we were able to learn from it, we dealt with the pain we caused each other and we started to find each other. So why aren’t things working? We are now coming to the end of our third year and about to begin the fourth chapter, but this chapter does not have to be about healing and moving on, it can be about growing and understanding what’s wrong. We are currently experiencing a pivoting point, a time of choice. We both have needs, as individuals and as people. We both yearn for love and acceptance and require that from each other, we must commit to giving each other the proper ingredients for happiness. Without one there in no other, we coexist together and must have mutual benefit, we have to decide if the journey is worth it or not.

To get a better idea, I want you to recall that second year, the time that you would not hesitate and you insisted that this work. The time that we would be on the phone talking it out, making promises of what we need to do better and how we can grow as one. The time that you hustled, you worked, and you were motivated by our love and you never gave up. Right now I need the same from you, I need you to get back up and hustle even harder than you did then, struggle to find yourself, and make this work. Three years, eight months and twenty six days we have been together and the time is still ticking, you decide when it stops. Now is the time I need you to step up, before this poison of the rose kills us, let’s let go of our ego’s and admire the beauty of what we have.

The venom in our stream is from the passion that we bleed, it is an open gash that we must close before it is too late. This is what we need from each other, we need to respect, communicate, and trust one another. These are the essential nutrients that will keep us alive and if we add support, love, and commitment then we will grow. Without these there is room for emotional pesticides to rot our core, let us stay pure. Here’s what I mean, we need to respect each other’s individual progress and growth, understand we are both growing as people and we require our space and time to build ourselves. Respect in the manner of letting go of each other to a certain extent, and allowing each other to wander upon who we want to be. We need to Communicate in terms of our progress and relate our struggles, be aware of one another’s energies and what they need: support, motivation, and love. Communicate how you really feel about me, about us on a constant basis to create reassurance and a layer of emotional support. One big thing for me is that I have told you my inner thoughts and emotions, I have poured the elixir of my hearts fruit towards you, what I received in return was that you did not feel the same yet. I have been waiting patiently for you to find your words and what you feel about me. I have been waiting patiently to have you commit yourself to me as I did you. I have been waiting but how much longer? I need you to Reassure me. Promise me. Give me the gift of kind words as I do to you. I am deprived of your feelings for me and what your vision is for us. I can understand it is difficult to surf into your minds thoughts and conquer the struggle of finding the right words, I can see you’re trying but let’s commit to search and find those words and make it happen. I am missing the support and loyalty that I have given you, I am in search for the love that you hold back from me. Let loose, let yourself fall into my arms and I will grasp you tight, I promise you I will not let go. My grip will be stronger than any metal found on this earth, my loyalty will make any canine seem untruthful, and my support will allow you to chase any dream with the assurance of having me every step of the way. It is difficult to trust, I know, and I also know that I have lied to you, kept things, and broken that trust before. You have done the same to me, yet let us understand and accept the past for what truly matters is how we have grown from that. Trust me and my intentions, trust my soul and my spirit, trust in me to do the right thing just as I trust you to do so. Let us not question our actions, we give each other the benefit of the doubt no matter what, we are a team and we have to act like one. Allowing malicious thoughts to fill your head is like letting the lies seem true. These are the words of truth: I will never cheat on you, I am not looking to get with any other woman except you, and I will not allow any other woman to get between us. It is me and you against the world remember? So don’t let it become me against you and the world, I need the trust. These girls are malicious, they are devious, and they are manipulative, and trust means knowing that I will always make the right decision. Trust means that we know what we have and we won’t risk anything to lose that.  Trust is reassurance. I am not in control of any one else’s actions nor should I be condemned for them. Look at me not around me, trust me not them, trust my word not theirs. Let us give the actions not just the words, let us show each other the truth not just text it, allow us to see our commitment not just hear about it.

Leave all forms of jealousy out of the door for if our relationship is filled with trust then there is no room for envy. Protection and respect are your intentions but the opposite is what your actions seem to show at times. I know you only mean well and you tell me it is just how you are and you will always be jealous but not to the extent where it is hurting us. 

We need to avoid letting our emotions blind us for it will not allow us to see the danger of our actions and words, it leads us down a slippery slope of tears and regrets. Let us remember that our tears should only be shed in moments of pure despair or absolute happiness; tears shed out of anger and rage create a bubble of hatred and wickedness inside. Let us practice letting go of the anger, the resentment, and the negativity that is boiling inside us. Let us involve ourselves in letting go of the fear, the pain, and the past, that we have in order to see a better tomorrow. Most importantly let us leave the pessimistic mentality, the dark thoughts, and broken promises, that we create and see the beauty in the struggle. Understand this is for both of us, we are a team remember and we are here for each other. We must commit to these things, to help one another and remind each other the dire need for them. These are our nutrients for love and growth, this is our cure from the poison, the antidote for destruction. Let us see the power of positivity, and understand that our time is precious. If we face this challenge together we will see what love really means. You will start to see through my eyes.

Now all that may seem like a ridiculously long road and may time years to perfect, but it really isn’t. I have already begun the process of blooming as I have mentioned before and to show you when It started I will recollect one of the most important memories I have, perhaps one of the strongest I have right now. Let us take it back, take way way back, to the a specific afternoon. The sun was shining and as it touched our skin we felt it’s rays, it was a beautiful day and as your heart paced as normal mine was like a running horse. I remember the constant battle of emotions I had with myself, the struggle of should I or should I not. As the day progressed I knew when I looked into your eyes I saw something that I never saw before. I saw something that shot goosebumps through my body and filled my body with a warm feeling. As I have come to understand, love is something that is grown and nurtured, it requires patience and dedication to truly see its beauty. Love is something that you feel in your soul, it makes your blood vibrate with desire and your heart feel like gold. It is a connection that most people never find because they were never in search for it, I have been searching. When I gave you that ring I understood that I have found its true form, within you and between us. I have seen the potential we have, the beauty we can make. I told you I was going to let myself fall so that you could catch me, I poured my heart out to you that day. I opened up a wound that I never thought I could, I wanted you to see it in my eyes, the burning passion in my cries of wanting you. I yearned for you to feel my spirit slowly come closer to yours, I told you everything that was inside my soul. I evolved myself for you, I found love in myself so I was able to love you, I learned how to be the best me so I can be the best for you. I really committed myself to you. I saw the future us, I felt the family we can have and I understood what I must do to obtain that. Recall what I received in return, from then my heart has been growing colder. From the cold to the hot, this day was the first day I started blossoming, from then I have been waiting for you.

The time has been passing and I have struggled with the commitment continuing to try and make you see my vision. To make you see through my eyes as I have described. I have constantly attempted to make you understand what I feel for you but it has been a war between making you see and making you understand. I have been loosing, it seems as if I am slowly being defeated in this battle. With the pressure of building myself and my company while also trying to support my family and help them grow, I am falling into dead man’s cave. I am losing you. I am deprived of your true love, lacking the nutrients of your beautiful words and in need of your trust. You are hurting me more right now than helping me and I know you are aware of that. You want to detach yourself from me because you feel that to be the best way. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, trust me I have been there too. I used to believe that I knew what was best for you, I felt as if I was not letting you grow and that you needed someone better than me to make you happy. Maybe that is true, but I know I am damn right I’m not just going to let that happen without a fight. I have come to understand that If I can hurt you and hold you back then I also have the power to help you and make you strive, it is just a matter of which one I choose to do. We have slowly been growing apart and I feel the corners of my heart start to perish away and diminish. It causes me pain beyond your imagination to see the end of something that has so much potential, to see a beautiful flower slowly rot to its core. What we need is to adapt and understand in order to grow and develop, I need you to see that you have the power to help me, to motivate me, to give me your love and build me. You have the power to do all this.

Yet perhaps there is no problem, perhaps this is just our destiny. I am under the impression that we cannot control the future but we can prepare for it, I respect you and all your decisions. I know this may seem like a lot to ask and you might not be up for it. It all reality perhaps you don’t feel the same nor will you ever. In some respects there is always the idea that we are not meant to be together and perhaps we must split our ways, this is another reality. I do not know what has been going on in your mind these past few days, if you have intentions of fixing this or ending it. I do not know if you will ever be able to see through my eyes and feel what I am able to feel. I can’t tell the future I can only have hope, and at this point I am ready for whatever decision you make. I can take the pain and we will eventually move on, I will never forget you but I can get over you if you choose that we are not meant to be. I will always love you and commit my soul to you if you choose to grow, I can nurture you and protect you. You are after all your own person and you choose your own path, the beauty in life is that you can make all your choices. You can pick who you want to be and where you want to go, you have full control of the direction of your life. You can choose to leave, to develop your own story, build your own future, and find your own path. You can choose just like I can, we both have decisions to make, and we both have to respect one another’s. All I ask is for your happiness, for you to smile every day, and live the life that you deserve. I can only ask that you remain true to yourself and that you listen to your heart, hear your soul, and understand your needs. Choose not out of petty for me or for the fear of being alone, but for the essential reason of true love and friendship. Do not tell me anything unless you truly mean it, speak the truth not only to me but more importantly to yourself.  Understand that what you’re fighting for must be something that is going to grow with you, that you are only going to be more and more passionate about it, don’t just choose something for the convenience of the time or the temporary feeling.

F.Y.I.

“To choose to grow means to commit, it means to dedicate to understand and truly let yourself see a better lite. It is not like any other time in our lives, the hour to mature is now since we are no longer kids. We are young adults experiencing a difficult moment in our lives, with so much going on, every single step you take is essential to our future. We are not promised a tomorrow and that is a principle that you must manifest. To grow means to understand your emotions, it means to struggle until you feel like giving up, to push yourself even when you can’t, and stay motivated by love. It means to swallow anger and pride, use your wisdom to help you strive and live a life on no lies. Not just white lies but promote self-truth, being honest with yourself. Asses who you are and what you want want out of this life, understand your environment, opportunities, and the path you must take to achieve that. See that you are capable of anything, you don’t have to wait or rely on anything or anybody except yourself. Just remember you are a beautiful spirit with great potential, I can only hope you live a fulfilling life and make decisions that make you a better you. I love you.”

“It has been a great journey indeed, but this is just the beginning”

– T