TELL ME the story

This story begins with two young individuals who crossed paths and changed each other’s lives, a tale that is similar in content but radically different in context. One filled with beauty, love, anguish, and pain. I speak of a love story, a story that has not concluded but is in the midst of a revolt. In this current time and space in which I am writing this, you would find me in a place of sole despair and bliss, an interesting paradox. For I feel the despair of separation, the numb feeling that distance creates. Yet I am filled with this type of glow, a type of hope derived from the beauty of a potential vision. A vision I see from the light projected through my eyes and it shows a future of acceptance, respect, and love. A future that we can have. The burning desire to see you blossom, to the exotic beautiful spirit that I know you can become, it’s what fuels the fire in my heart as it melts with passion. My only ambiguity is in whether that time will be with me or not, for my blossoming has started prematurely and in order for there to be a benevolent couple two spirits must blossom together. They must grow together, experience the process as one, enjoy the rays of the sun and feel the love that they are able to develop together. My dilemma is not within your potential but within your process, the rate in which we grow together. I know I have spoken about ways of feeling your energies, the invisible aura of your emotions and the vibrancy of your body’s language, this has shown me your soul’s beauty and allowed me to see it through your eyes. I speak words that truly express my true inner love and intentions that I have come to understand and set forth for us. I have expressed my practices of letting go of pride and insidious emotions in order to understand and comprehend one another. I have done all this for you, to build us and extract all the juice in our relationship and leave behind all the excess and unwanted residue. Is it to much to ask of you to do the same? Is it a silly dream that I have, to prosper and build an empire together? Perhaps I am diluted by this vision of who you can become I forget who you really are, a growing individual. I know you are trying and I won’t dismay that fact, but can you start to see the potential amount of passion you are able to give me, is it to much to ask of you to dig deep into the abyss of your soul and bring out the real you.

At times to better understand an individual and what they’re going through, you must put yourself in their shoes and see into their perspective. This will not only give you insight into the thoughts of that person but can also make you understand their feelings. Now is the time see things through my eyes.

The rose is a love’s flower, for in the distance you can appreciate it’s beauty but when you grab it you are left with the blood from the thorns. Love works similarly in this way, for people admire our commitment and dedication towards each other, but only we understand the pain of the thorns as we hold onto it.  Those nights of spitting rage and anger out of our mouths, hitting each other with malicious thoughts and regrets; whoever said words didn’t hurt. The regretful memories of all those times we would break up with each other and put each other through pain and bitterness to all the times I lied to you, hid things from you, and caused you pain. The times I ignored you and treated you poorly to all the times you did the same to me. I apologize for my foolish actions and decisions, I never meant to taint your soul. I never told you this but sometimes I would stay up all night with the guilt of causing you pain and making your tears run like a loose faucet because of my words or actions, my was love poisoned with self-righteousness. I know even now It may seem like our love is polluted, many may say it is, but I never give up hope. For a true relationship has a balance of both love and hate, it is able to turn that hate into passion and evolve the love into commitment.

Remember the first time we kissed? Every time we pass by the place we always recollect that memory. How fascinating isn’t it? To just think about how far we’ve come, from arguing about a thrown pen to enjoying the beauty in the stars. As I sit here I am just in deep thought into the moments we have shared, I am in love with the beauty we have created. Do you remember all those tickle fights? I can’t even begin to count them, and all those movie nights? Well I don’t really recall the movies, but I’ll never forget the nights. I even remember when I made you laugh so hard you spilled milk out of your nose, that was the night we officially found my funny shirt. Can you just appreciate all the moments we shared a breath, all the times we explored and enjoyed life together, and the moments that our spirits collided as one. I loved all those nights we would just look at each other and smile, all those soft kisses we would share, and the sound of our heartbeats beating together to fill the room. I can’t ever deny my feelings for you, even after all those dark nights we always had a brighter day to make it better.

As we have now seen the beauty and the beast of our relationship, can I ask you a question? Do you believe in love? A question that may hold a simple response but let me refrain, my answer to this may be different than yours. Yes, I believe in love. I always have since I was young, I would enjoy watching romantic “chick flicks” just to watch the boy get the girl. I suppose I just enjoyed seeing two people share a common connection, relate to one another, and fall in love. I suppose it was also the fact that I grew up in a household of three women so I did not really have a say in the choice of my television views. Yet I always found it so beautiful the emotions and feelings we can develop with each other, how compassion can make your serotonin an addiction.

When we first started to coexist the words, “I love you” tended to slip my tongue more often than not. For as a young boy seeking acceptance I fell in love with your beauty and physique not really knowing what love really was. We were both young and filled with indescribable emotions and the effects of adolescence. It seems as if at the time you were a young woman that I wanted to be with and love the only way a boy knows how to; gifts. I am sure you can recall all the flowers, food, and letters I gave you, I even went to the extreme of getting you a $600 promise ring. I kept us alive during our first year yet I was still ignorant to the true definition of love, I was living under the impression of it.

A wise fool some may call me, as the second year progressed I wanted to detach myself, I wanted to leave and I stayed to avoid causing you pain. I know, what a horrible reason to be with someone but again I was falsified by my meaning of love and deceived by my perception of what I thought was best. Can you recall all the moments we would argue and I would immediately want to break up and leave? But you were stubborn and under your impression of love, you wouldn’t let me leave and you were crazy enough to chase after me. We were both so young, I yearned for the satisfaction of watching you come after me and you continued to do so. At times you would even make empty promises to me to keep the relationship alive, you would commit to change and ensure things would be different. Sometimes they were, other times nothing changed. As time progressed and our relationship did not I fell under the false fallacy that this was never going to work and in the writing of my story this was just another chapter. What a child’s mentality isn’t it? Ignoring the beauty in the struggle and only admiring the convenient truth. As I look back I admire your dedication, for loving me even when It was not mutual, for chasing after me when you should have let me go, and for keeping the promises that allowed us to grow. You saved us, you worked for us, you never gave up. I thank you for that.

The third year came and we started to grow together much more, I started letting go of my emotional chains to truly love myself, for in order to love someone else this is essential. During this year a lot changed, I started to see things for how they were not how they seemed. I saw the struggle in your commitment to keep us alive, the hustle to improve and adapt, and the passion to make it work. I saw how much I meant to you and realized how much you meant to me. I saw the evil in losing hope, and the wicked feeling of ignorant bliss. I started to change myself, control my emotions, understand them, and accept them. I saw the opportunity to enhance my knowledge and became more aware of my actions and thoughts. You started to become more open minded and accept new ideas, you communicated with me more efficiently and understood the balance that was needed. We had more good days than bad and we allowed each other to grow together. We went through one of the biggest fights of all time and we were able to learn from it, we dealt with the pain we caused each other and we started to find each other. So why aren’t things working? We are now coming to the end of our third year and about to begin the fourth chapter, but this chapter does not have to be about healing and moving on, it can be about growing and understanding what’s wrong. We are currently experiencing a pivoting point, a time of choice. We both have needs, as individuals and as people. We both yearn for love and acceptance and require that from each other, we must commit to giving each other the proper ingredients for happiness. Without one there in no other, we coexist together and must have mutual benefit, we have to decide if the journey is worth it or not.

To get a better idea, I want you to recall that second year, the time that you would not hesitate and you insisted that this work. The time that we would be on the phone talking it out, making promises of what we need to do better and how we can grow as one. The time that you hustled, you worked, and you were motivated by our love and you never gave up. Right now I need the same from you, I need you to get back up and hustle even harder than you did then, struggle to find yourself, and make this work. Three years, eight months and twenty six days we have been together and the time is still ticking, you decide when it stops. Now is the time I need you to step up, before this poison of the rose kills us, let’s let go of our ego’s and admire the beauty of what we have.

The venom in our stream is from the passion that we bleed, it is an open gash that we must close before it is too late. This is what we need from each other, we need to respect, communicate, and trust one another. These are the essential nutrients that will keep us alive and if we add support, love, and commitment then we will grow. Without these there is room for emotional pesticides to rot our core, let us stay pure. Here’s what I mean, we need to respect each other’s individual progress and growth, understand we are both growing as people and we require our space and time to build ourselves. Respect in the manner of letting go of each other to a certain extent, and allowing each other to wander upon who we want to be. We need to Communicate in terms of our progress and relate our struggles, be aware of one another’s energies and what they need: support, motivation, and love. Communicate how you really feel about me, about us on a constant basis to create reassurance and a layer of emotional support. One big thing for me is that I have told you my inner thoughts and emotions, I have poured the elixir of my hearts fruit towards you, what I received in return was that you did not feel the same yet. I have been waiting patiently for you to find your words and what you feel about me. I have been waiting patiently to have you commit yourself to me as I did you. I have been waiting but how much longer? I need you to Reassure me. Promise me. Give me the gift of kind words as I do to you. I am deprived of your feelings for me and what your vision is for us. I can understand it is difficult to surf into your minds thoughts and conquer the struggle of finding the right words, I can see you’re trying but let’s commit to search and find those words and make it happen. I am missing the support and loyalty that I have given you, I am in search for the love that you hold back from me. Let loose, let yourself fall into my arms and I will grasp you tight, I promise you I will not let go. My grip will be stronger than any metal found on this earth, my loyalty will make any canine seem untruthful, and my support will allow you to chase any dream with the assurance of having me every step of the way. It is difficult to trust, I know, and I also know that I have lied to you, kept things, and broken that trust before. You have done the same to me, yet let us understand and accept the past for what truly matters is how we have grown from that. Trust me and my intentions, trust my soul and my spirit, trust in me to do the right thing just as I trust you to do so. Let us not question our actions, we give each other the benefit of the doubt no matter what, we are a team and we have to act like one. Allowing malicious thoughts to fill your head is like letting the lies seem true. These are the words of truth: I will never cheat on you, I am not looking to get with any other woman except you, and I will not allow any other woman to get between us. It is me and you against the world remember? So don’t let it become me against you and the world, I need the trust. These girls are malicious, they are devious, and they are manipulative, and trust means knowing that I will always make the right decision. Trust means that we know what we have and we won’t risk anything to lose that.  Trust is reassurance. I am not in control of any one else’s actions nor should I be condemned for them. Look at me not around me, trust me not them, trust my word not theirs. Let us give the actions not just the words, let us show each other the truth not just text it, allow us to see our commitment not just hear about it.

Leave all forms of jealousy out of the door for if our relationship is filled with trust then there is no room for envy. Protection and respect are your intentions but the opposite is what your actions seem to show at times. I know you only mean well and you tell me it is just how you are and you will always be jealous but not to the extent where it is hurting us. 

We need to avoid letting our emotions blind us for it will not allow us to see the danger of our actions and words, it leads us down a slippery slope of tears and regrets. Let us remember that our tears should only be shed in moments of pure despair or absolute happiness; tears shed out of anger and rage create a bubble of hatred and wickedness inside. Let us practice letting go of the anger, the resentment, and the negativity that is boiling inside us. Let us involve ourselves in letting go of the fear, the pain, and the past, that we have in order to see a better tomorrow. Most importantly let us leave the pessimistic mentality, the dark thoughts, and broken promises, that we create and see the beauty in the struggle. Understand this is for both of us, we are a team remember and we are here for each other. We must commit to these things, to help one another and remind each other the dire need for them. These are our nutrients for love and growth, this is our cure from the poison, the antidote for destruction. Let us see the power of positivity, and understand that our time is precious. If we face this challenge together we will see what love really means. You will start to see through my eyes.

Now all that may seem like a ridiculously long road and may time years to perfect, but it really isn’t. I have already begun the process of blooming as I have mentioned before and to show you when It started I will recollect one of the most important memories I have, perhaps one of the strongest I have right now. Let us take it back, take way way back, to the a specific afternoon. The sun was shining and as it touched our skin we felt it’s rays, it was a beautiful day and as your heart paced as normal mine was like a running horse. I remember the constant battle of emotions I had with myself, the struggle of should I or should I not. As the day progressed I knew when I looked into your eyes I saw something that I never saw before. I saw something that shot goosebumps through my body and filled my body with a warm feeling. As I have come to understand, love is something that is grown and nurtured, it requires patience and dedication to truly see its beauty. Love is something that you feel in your soul, it makes your blood vibrate with desire and your heart feel like gold. It is a connection that most people never find because they were never in search for it, I have been searching. When I gave you that ring I understood that I have found its true form, within you and between us. I have seen the potential we have, the beauty we can make. I told you I was going to let myself fall so that you could catch me, I poured my heart out to you that day. I opened up a wound that I never thought I could, I wanted you to see it in my eyes, the burning passion in my cries of wanting you. I yearned for you to feel my spirit slowly come closer to yours, I told you everything that was inside my soul. I evolved myself for you, I found love in myself so I was able to love you, I learned how to be the best me so I can be the best for you. I really committed myself to you. I saw the future us, I felt the family we can have and I understood what I must do to obtain that. Recall what I received in return, from then my heart has been growing colder. From the cold to the hot, this day was the first day I started blossoming, from then I have been waiting for you.

The time has been passing and I have struggled with the commitment continuing to try and make you see my vision. To make you see through my eyes as I have described. I have constantly attempted to make you understand what I feel for you but it has been a war between making you see and making you understand. I have been loosing, it seems as if I am slowly being defeated in this battle. With the pressure of building myself and my company while also trying to support my family and help them grow, I am falling into dead man’s cave. I am losing you. I am deprived of your true love, lacking the nutrients of your beautiful words and in need of your trust. You are hurting me more right now than helping me and I know you are aware of that. You want to detach yourself from me because you feel that to be the best way. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, trust me I have been there too. I used to believe that I knew what was best for you, I felt as if I was not letting you grow and that you needed someone better than me to make you happy. Maybe that is true, but I know I am damn right I’m not just going to let that happen without a fight. I have come to understand that If I can hurt you and hold you back then I also have the power to help you and make you strive, it is just a matter of which one I choose to do. We have slowly been growing apart and I feel the corners of my heart start to perish away and diminish. It causes me pain beyond your imagination to see the end of something that has so much potential, to see a beautiful flower slowly rot to its core. What we need is to adapt and understand in order to grow and develop, I need you to see that you have the power to help me, to motivate me, to give me your love and build me. You have the power to do all this.

Yet perhaps there is no problem, perhaps this is just our destiny. I am under the impression that we cannot control the future but we can prepare for it, I respect you and all your decisions. I know this may seem like a lot to ask and you might not be up for it. It all reality perhaps you don’t feel the same nor will you ever. In some respects there is always the idea that we are not meant to be together and perhaps we must split our ways, this is another reality. I do not know what has been going on in your mind these past few days, if you have intentions of fixing this or ending it. I do not know if you will ever be able to see through my eyes and feel what I am able to feel. I can’t tell the future I can only have hope, and at this point I am ready for whatever decision you make. I can take the pain and we will eventually move on, I will never forget you but I can get over you if you choose that we are not meant to be. I will always love you and commit my soul to you if you choose to grow, I can nurture you and protect you. You are after all your own person and you choose your own path, the beauty in life is that you can make all your choices. You can pick who you want to be and where you want to go, you have full control of the direction of your life. You can choose to leave, to develop your own story, build your own future, and find your own path. You can choose just like I can, we both have decisions to make, and we both have to respect one another’s. All I ask is for your happiness, for you to smile every day, and live the life that you deserve. I can only ask that you remain true to yourself and that you listen to your heart, hear your soul, and understand your needs. Choose not out of petty for me or for the fear of being alone, but for the essential reason of true love and friendship. Do not tell me anything unless you truly mean it, speak the truth not only to me but more importantly to yourself.  Understand that what you’re fighting for must be something that is going to grow with you, that you are only going to be more and more passionate about it, don’t just choose something for the convenience of the time or the temporary feeling.

F.Y.I.

“To choose to grow means to commit, it means to dedicate to understand and truly let yourself see a better lite. It is not like any other time in our lives, the hour to mature is now since we are no longer kids. We are young adults experiencing a difficult moment in our lives, with so much going on, every single step you take is essential to our future. We are not promised a tomorrow and that is a principle that you must manifest. To grow means to understand your emotions, it means to struggle until you feel like giving up, to push yourself even when you can’t, and stay motivated by love. It means to swallow anger and pride, use your wisdom to help you strive and live a life on no lies. Not just white lies but promote self-truth, being honest with yourself. Asses who you are and what you want want out of this life, understand your environment, opportunities, and the path you must take to achieve that. See that you are capable of anything, you don’t have to wait or rely on anything or anybody except yourself. Just remember you are a beautiful spirit with great potential, I can only hope you live a fulfilling life and make decisions that make you a better you. I love you.”

“It has been a great journey indeed, but this is just the beginning”

– T

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